


why am i alone? (this isn't right)

by straykiz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (aka elimination lol), Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, a word vomit, e word mentioned..., mainly focused on jeongin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-19 17:39:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13709394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straykiz/pseuds/straykiz
Summary: though everyone loves to call jeongin pretty, they don't seem to notice the ugly scars underneath(also: a huge word vomit tht's a huge mess !!)





	why am i alone? (this isn't right)

**Author's Note:**

> aAHahaA this is just a huge mess tht came while i was listening to i need somebody and i thought jeongin just fit rlly well for this i'm srry

_Risk of elimination._

Those three words ring in his mind like a constant echo, taunting him, warning him that he’s simply not good enough. They keep him up through the night until the sun peeks through the blinds, and by then he’s exhausted.

He’s exhausted from the reminders that he’s not good enough, not fit to debut. They tell him at this point, how will he reach his dream? And because it’s his dream, he works even harder, singing until he can’t anymore, dancing until he collapses.

It’s still not good enough.

_It should have been me._

Minho leaves first.

The tension when they return to the dorm is thick, everyone filling into a single room and staring silently at the bed that was once Minho’s.

Chan doesn’t say anything, but he’s the first one to turn around and leave the room, the burdens of a leader’s fault heavy on his shoulders. No one follows after him. They wince as they hear the sound of a door slamming, the loud noise echoing throughout the dorm.

It feels more empty without Minho, forced smiles becoming more common within the group of eight.

Felix, especially, feels the burden once Minho leaves. He becomes more quiet when around the others, disappearing for long periods of time and returning early in the morning when the sun has barely risen.

Jeongin doesn’t say anything when he finds Felix, working hard in the room Minho always would. The mirrors are foggy, a sign of how long the Australian boy must have been there. He watches in silence as the male begins to break down, sliding down the wall and burying his face in his hands.

When Felix wipes his tears away, he finds a bottle of water by the door.

As he exits the room, searching for who left the water behind, he finds Jeongin in the practice room right next to the one he had been in, working just as hard as he had been – if not more.

Jeongin is quick to notice Felix, turning around and giving the older a smile.

“Aren’t you tired from working hard? Go rest, it’ll be okay.”

Felix wants to break down again, but nonetheless he follows the youngest’s orders and the other members find relief when Felix finally returns home early.

_Why are you leaving, too?_

Felix is the next to leave.

He holds his hands together tightly, willing himself not to let his tears fall as there’s a moment of silence between all the members. Unable to find the courage within himself to approach Felix first, he watches as Jisung is instead the one to comfort Felix, pulling him into a hug.

It’s when Felix’s tears begin to fall, the male barely able to say a proper ‘sorry’, the silence breaks.

He lowers his head, tears finally falling though he wishes they wouldn’t. The other members, too, are crying, as another light in their team has too gone out. It’s as if a dark cloud had rolled in, covering the light of their sun and suddenly no one is sure of what to do.

Though he wants to run out of the door and beg the president for him to reconsider his decisions, to bring back Minho and Felix and eliminate him instead, he stays in his spot. He stays because he’s a coward, and he’s unable to do anything while his team is falling apart.

In his mind, a voice continuously tells him, over and over again.

_This is wrong, isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be you, being eliminated? You’re only here because . . ._

_Because . . ._

_I wish I were braver._

The group tries to continue on as they used to, but it’s clear nothing’s the same now that two members are gone. The family is incomplete.

Chan smiles a bit less, Jisung’s not as loud anymore, Changbin fits way too much into his dark concept without the sunshine in his life, Hyunjin has gotten into an unhealthy habit of coming home too late, and Seungmin can barely hold himself together. Woojin snaps easier when someone makes a mistake.

Jeongin?

He tries, tries to keep a smile on for both his family and the fans. When the fans call him cute or pretty, he smiles at the camera and thanks them though all he wants to do is scream until his throat is hoarse.

He’s not pretty, he wants to tell them.

Because under the mask of fake smiles and the repeated lie of _I’m okay_ , he has too many ugly scars of _I don’t belong here, I’m not good enough._

The scars of self doubt, hate, and most importantly the scars that tell him that he’s not even a part of this family.

Those scars are ugly, and he hides them even from his own family because they don’t deserve to be hurt any more than they already are, and Jeongin will let these scars burn into him more and more if it means there’s a possibility this family can return to the way it once was.

Maybe, just maybe, one day the Sun will return, bringing back a clear sky.

Day after day, Jeongin’s smiles become faker and faker, and if anyone notices, they don’t say anything about it. Everyone is tired, and it’s easy to notice how everyone is beating themselves up more and more over the loss of their two family members.

_You’re not alone._

And as he hopes, the Sun does return, and the clouds are cleared to show a beautiful sky.

At first, it’s not easy to return back to normal. There’s still a bit of tension remaining with the possibility of the family returning to seven.

 

_“That’s stupid.” Changbin scoffs when it’s brought up, though it’s easy to notice the worry in his eyes._

_“It’s nine or none, isn’t it?” Felix speaks up, smiling at everyone and suddenly everything feels a bit more okay._

_Nine or none. The phrase is comforting, and it brings just a little bit more hope to the group._

 

Jeongin finds that his ugly scars are slowly healing. It takes him courage to finally speak up, to tell the team how afraid he is, how he feels that it’s him that should have been eliminated.

Minho is the first to react, scolding Jeongin for thinking in such a way. Felix bumps in to joke about how he considered starting a raid against JYP, and then Chan brings up that they could always make their own company. Felix suggests naming it Kangaroo Ent., and then as everyone begins to laugh together, Jeongin realizes that his smiles aren’t as fake anymore.

 

In the end, they debut as nine. Though his scars haven’t healed fully, Jeongin is thankful that he’s able to achieve his final dream – debut with his complete family.

And if JYP tries to stop them, then he’s sure that the others will definitely be ready to open Kangaroo Ent. and take JYP’s spot in the Big 3.


End file.
